Relationship Reflection

A baby is born with the need to be loved and never outgrows it. 

 ~Frank A. Clark

I am a firm believer that relationships are the most important thing we, as humans, can give to one another. This has been my philosophy throughout my life and it has never let me down. I build relationships everywhere I go, and because of that, I have many people in my life who love me and trust me. I have been very fortunate to have many wonderful relationships over the years, but the three people I’d like to dedicate this post to are my husband and my two daughters. 

My husband Frank and I actually met 17 years ago when he brought his son to the child care where I was the Director. His family and my family became friends and we watched each other over the years struggle to make our lives work. 4 ½ years ago, when we were both in the right place, we got together and we have never let go! This relationship is so important to me because I wanted so much to find someone who I could feel safe with, be myself with, and grow with. He allows me to be who I am and supports me when I want to do crazy things…like going back for my Master’s degree at almost 50! We both see this relationship as very precious because we have both experienced what it is like to be with

someone who did not understand how important love is. Blending a family has not been easy, but we work on communicating when issues arise. We are dedicated to making this relationship work because it has become the foundation for the rest of our lives.

 

My daughters Courtney and Alyssa are the other two relationships I’d like to tell you about. Being a mother has been the greatest joy in my life and I treasure the relationship that I have with my girls. They are as different as night and day, but they love each other dearly, and each of them has things about them that are endearing.  When they were little girls the three of us would do everything together. Now that they are grown, and one lives in a different state, we plan and wait for the time we can get together. Being a mother has taught me that not everything about relationships is easy, but it is always worth it. My girls, like all young people, made some choices along the way that caused a strain on our relationship. But getting past the difficult times to find the laughter and the joy again is what being a mother is all about. I now have two children that are fabulous woman, and who I am proud to call my friends as well as my daughters.

My relationships with my husband and daughters have taught me three very important things that I will take with me into my other relationships:

•         Great relationships are worth all the work you put into them

•        Every relationship can bring in something valuable and unique

•         You never know what wonderful things may happen tomorrow because of a  relationship that you develop today

When I think about relationships, I think about the words reciprocal, commonality, communication, and respect. People who experience positive relationships realize that it requires input from both parties, that there is a need to find what each person has that is alike, the willingness to both talk and listen, and the realization that there are two (or more) unique people involved whose needs are valuable. This applies to my work in early childhood on a daily basis. Working with the children, the parents, the staff, and the larger early childhood population I put these four words into practice. Some examples are: really listening when children talk, responding quickly when babies cry, getting to know the parents as individuals, realizing that I am there to support the staff when they ask, and being willing to respectfully continue difficult conversations when a colleague and I disagree. I have never regretted living by the belief that relationships are the foundation for everything we do, and there are many relationships that I have formed through my early childhood experiences that have helped me define who I am today. I will continue to live by the words in the quote at the beginning of the blog in every aspect of my life!

Wrapping It Up

It's time to wrap up another course, one that I have really enjoyed! I want to begin by sharing an amazing website that was sent to me at work today. I wanted to share it because it has great resources that might help everyone as they continue their journey toward a graduate degree!  It is from the National Office of Child Care, The National Office of Children in Poverty, The National Administration for Children and Families, The Office of Planning, Research and Education and Interuniversity Consortium for Political and Social Research. The site is:

http://www.researchconnections.org/content/childcare/find

I have so many favorite quotes that it is hard to pick just a few to share!  Here are a few ...

While we try to teach our children all about life

Our children teach us what life is all about

~Angela Schwindt 

 

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing!

~Phyllis Diller

There are not seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million.

~Walt Streighttiff.  

 

Cleaning and cooking can wait 'til tomorrow,

For babies grow up, we've learned to our sorrow.

So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep,

I'm rocking my baby,

And babies don't keep.

~Ruth Hulbert Hamilton

The reason that I chose these four quotes is that I have been reflecting a lot lately on how quickly children grow! There are approximately 2000 days between the day a child is born and the day they start kindergarten, and the foundation for everything they are going to become happens in those first years. Stopping what we are doing to see the world through the eyes of a child is the most valuable gift we can give to ourselves and the children in our lives. 

Assessing the Whole Child

 

Howard Gardner's Theory of Multiple Intelligences

howardgardner.com

The topic for this week's blog is, taking into consideration the whole child, what should be assessed or measured. I would like to use Howard Gardner's eight multiple intelligences to explain my theory. I believe that each child has the right to have a full life and become a positive member of their society. In my opinion, what this looks like varies completely from person to person. Each child has aspects that make up the whole child; however, each child has one area that is usually stronger than all of the rest. Through this area of strength they can demonstrate intelligence in a different ways; and it is by focusing on the individual child's strengths that they should be accessed.  I will use my family as examples. My oldest is a visual learner which, according to Gardner, means that she is "word" smart. Her assessments should be done using language (ie: essays or verbal answers). My next daughter is a interpersonal learner, or "people" smart, according to Gardner. She should be accessed using social methods (ie: group work or group discussions). My son is a kinesthetic learner and he needs to be touching things in order to show you what he knows. His "body" smart style means that he needs to be assessed using his hands to show what he knows (ie: projects and demonstrations). My youngest daughter is proving to be a musical learner. She excels in anything that has to do with music, and needs to be accessed using this media (composing, playing and analyzing music). My first son-in-law is a logical learner and needs assessment tools that use numbers and math. My second son-in-law is an intrapersonal learner. He needs to show, in every way possible, that he is intelligent. The best way for him to do this is to allow him to choose the assessment tool.  (Yes, family get togethers at my house are interesting and fun!) Interestingly enough, here are what my children have chosen to become: #1 Editor, #2 Teacher, #3 Chef, #4 Symphony Musician, #5 CPA, #6 Military. They all ended up playing to their strengths, and showing that they are intelligent using their whole person in different ways.

 In a Montessori school in Toyko, Japanese children younger than third grade are not given any assessments. Their teachers observe them and report on their progress. After that, they are given an annual assessment from the International Schools Association that uses  a culturally sensitive test using multiple-choice questions, open-ended questions, and prompts. The target learning areas in this test are reading, writing and math.

I believe that assessment is important as a tool of information, but not as a way to label children. An assessment can help a teacher know where a child is in a particular area of development. They can then make a goal and determine culturally and developmentally approriate learning experiences to help the child reach that goal. However, many schools use assessment tools that only look at one kind intelligence and use limited, and often culturally and developmentally inappropriate ways to measure what children know. The children are then placed in a category using only that one piece of information to determine that placement. I am pleased that there are charter schools emerging in my state that address these issues so that children of all types of intelligences can succeed! 

Source:

Azabu M. (2003-2001). Assessment of student development and academic progress. Retrieved from

http://montessorijapan.com/index.php.assessment

Coping with Childhood Stress

A very close friend of mine had to deal with chaos and poverty as she was growing up. She was the youngest of three children and her mother was a single parent for most of her childhood. She told me that the worst part was the uncertainty - the uncertainty of wondering if she would be going to the same school from week to week, wondering if she would have friends wherever they lived, and wondering what there would be to eat every day. She and her big brothers would steal bread from the local bakery that was put out to cool, and milk from deliveries in their neighbor's milk boxes. Her mother was fired from a job for stealing money from the company's petty cash so she could buy food for her children. They would live in one place for a few months, until they got so behind on the rent that they were evicted, and no place ever felt like home. Because she was the youngest, she also got the smallest and worst bedroom. In one house she slept in a walk-in closet, and another where she slept in a shed adjacent to the house-no lights and no heat. They coped by sticking together as a tight-knit unit, supporting one another in every way that they could. The children did most of the cooking and cleaning so that the mother could work two jobs, and they all got jobs and helped with the rent as soon as they were old enough. They are still a very close family today and, although there is more stability and financial security, each member of the family knows they can rely on the others for help in any way needed.

In South Africa, over 50% of families live below the poverty line and experience homelessness on a continual basis. In 1998 an act of parliament established the Child Support Grants. These are funds that are given to any caregiver who is directly responsible for the welfare of a child. This funding reaches 10 million children, and is considered to be one of the governments most successful poverty reduction programs. Because of programs like the Child Support Grants fewer children per capita are living in poverty than 15 years ago.

Source: International Labour Organization- https://www.ilo.org/gimi/gess/RessFileDownload 

Maternal Depression and Domestic Violence

The topic of my blog this week is the affect of maternal depression, in victims of domestic violence, on their children. I became interested in this subject during the time that I was the Director of the child care facility at a domestic violence shelter. Research shows that any woman can develop depression, but women who are in domestic violence situations are more likely than other women to suffer from this type of mental health issue (World Health Organization, 2013). I found this to be true in the families that I worked with, because women who are escaping domestic violence situations have to deal with a lot of loss, which causes depression. When they are with their abuser they become depressed at the thought of being abused, or having the abuser hurt the children. When they leave the abusive situation they can become even more depressed because they usually lose their partner, sometimes their home and possessions, and often other members of their friends and family. They are often barely able to take care of themselves, not to mention caring for the needs of their children. Studies have shown that women who have been through significant amounts trauma actually don't even enjoy parenting much (Banyard, J.,Williams, V., &Siegal, L., 2003). Young children rely on their mothers to be there for them, and when the mothers are so overwhelmed and depressed, the children don't get what they need. 

Maternal depression overall has become a topic of interest in many countries, and has become an issue of concern in Canada. Canadian doctors observe that depressed mothers are often not able to pick up on the cues of their babies and respond to their needs (Medical News Today, 2004). They are working with these mothers to help them recognize their infants signals and respond appropriately in an effort to help create attachment and avoid future issues.

I believe that this information will impact my work as I collaborate with the Infant Toddler Specialists who work with providers in high risk programs. Becoming a new mother can be especially overwhelming for a woman in crisis, and by sharing this information with the IT Specialists, they can coach the providers to be a support to these mothers in their program who may be experiencing depression.


Resources
Banyard, J., Williams, V., & Siegal, L. (2003). The impact of complex trauma and depression on parenting: An exploration of mediating risk and protective factors.Child welfare information gateway, 8(4), 334-349. Retrieved from http://library.childwelfare.gov

Medical News Today.(2004). Maternal depression can seriously affect a child's development.   Retrieved from www.medicalnewstoday.com

World Health Organization. (2013). Maternal mental health and child development. Retrieved from http://www.who.int/mental_health/prevention/suicide/MaternalMH/en/index.html

The Importance of the Birthing Experience

New class means it's time for a new post. I was very excited to see the topic of this post because it is something that has always been of interest to me; the effect of the birthing experience on a child's development.

I am adopted, and my birthing experience was very different from that of my granddaughter's. The room that I was born in was white, bright, and sterile. No one was in the room with my mother, with the exception of the doctor, and they were separated by a sheet. My mother was given something to sedate her, but even sedated there was a great tension in the room. My birth was routine, and I was born a healthy infant, but there was not a welcome feeling in the room when I arrived. I was quickly taken into another room where I was cleaned and placed in a bassinet, and I never did get to see my mother or have her hold me.

When I got pregnant with my oldest daughter I was living in Spain and I was very nervous because I was not used to the public health care system. I had an experience, before I got pregnant, where I needed medical care, and it was very difficult for me. When I researched what to expect if I had the baby in Madrid I found out that it would be very similar to my previous medical experience. I wanted to make sure that the birth of my baby was comfortable for both of us, so my husband and I moved back home before the baby was born.

My granddaughter's entrance into the world was a completely different story. My husband, my other daughters and I spent the day with the mother to be, rubbing her feet, feeding her ice, laughing and talking. The room was very comfortable, with soft lights, a rocking chair, and a television. When it was time for Paetyn to be born my husband and I stood on either side of the bed and were a support to my daughter. The whole family was right there watching Paetyn being born and celebrating her arrival into the world. The instant she was born the doctor placed her in her mother's arms, and except for the few minutes that it took her to get an Apgar test and get cleaned up a little, she was never out of her family's arms. They even let a family member give her first bath.

I chose these examples because they are in such stark contrast to each other. Early childhood research has shown the importance of early bonding, and I was not able to receive that in my birthing experience (Childpsych, n.d.). I was fortunate to have a loving family adopt me when I was five weeks old, but I have struggled with abandonment issue throughout my life. Paetyn seems to be very well attached with all of the people present in the room on the day she was born. 

I believe that, because western society knows so much more about child development now than they did 40+ years ago, having a loving birthing experience is now being seem as a critical piece of helping start a child on a positive developmental journey. 

Childpsych. (n.d.). Changes in child psychology;John Bowlby. Retrieved from http://childpsych.umwblogs.org/attachment-theory/john-bowlby-2/